| Messy Ramblings.... No Fun At All |
[28 Nov 2008|08:10pm] |
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I've dealt with death a lot in my life, but this one hit me the hardest. It's hard to explain. In fact, explaining is probably the last thing most people think about now...in this emotion. I just can't process my emotions any other way. There's one person I talk to in this state--in states similar; it's never this bad. I feel guilty, though. It's one-sided, selfish. I just need to talk, not be comforted, and I know he takes joy in comforting. I know there are people who would like to talk, but I feel like in explaining what I'm feeling, I might reveal to people how empty I am.
I care a lot about everyone. It's not that. There's a lot of guilt, but that's not the big thing. There's an echo in a spot that I've feared was empty. It's a spot that I have a hard time locating. There's supposed to be a major landmark there, I think.I didn't go there. I wouldn't go there. I couldn't help someone. I don't even know....
I feel guilty and cowardly and scared and...I don't even know. I hate not being able to figure out my own emotions. I hate when words and logic can't get me where I need to be.
I need...I need a therapist who does house calls, an emotional caretaker.
I'm empty in a place I can't explain, but you'd be really disappointed at the level at which I connect to other people. I'm sorry. I feel emotions like guilt and sadness and excitement, but most of them are horribly shallow. I just feel these things really intensely because I'm lacking another sense that most people have. It makes it easy for me to be rational and self-righteous. It's not what a person is lacking when they're a sociopath. I wish.... I just can't even explain because it's something you take for granted, but I've never had it. I'm a fraud, and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Trust me, I have the capacity to feel terrible about it. I'm usually just better able to regulate that.
Please, hang in there with our friendship. I'm going to work on this now, I am. It was just nice to feel for a second that every relationship, platonic, romantic or in-between wasn't a dead end. It's me. It's me. It really is me. I'm a horrible fraud, but I was fooling myself. I'm a hypocrite, a terrible hypocrite. I just don't know where to even start. I don't really have a family, you know. Maybe I'm just a little behind?
I don't even know. Maybe this is grief, proper mourning. I don't even know. I just don't know how people feel, how I should feel...ever.
I feel sick, and I don't really know what to do right now.
I don't need much of anything unless you happen to know this feeling and have corrected it. I'm great at wallowing alone, but problem identification and correction tips are great.
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[25 Jun 2008|09:52pm] |
So I'm not in Virginia. I went back and forth on the trip thing because of money, but I got it together at the last minute. The friends I was planning to visit first needed to get some things together before having company. I didn't find out until the night before I was planning to go, and now I've got a suitcase full of little outfits and sex toys with nowhere to go.
How did I console myself? Well, first I ordered groceries. I'd sort of let me fridge empty out since I was planning to be away for a while, so I've been starving. I couldn't stop the spending there, though. I really shouldn't have a credit/debit card. I've managed to limit the damage I do by getting a prepaid card, but it doesn't stop me from spending money I shouldn't, even if I can't overdraw or spend what I don't have. So yeah, I also bought a bikini and matching shot glasses...then I bid on a pyrex dildo. Yeah, it's bad.
But I got this Ed Hardy bikini in red for 35 bucks:
...and there for 13 with shipping:
...and if all goes as planned, I'll get this for 20:
Yeah, I have a problem.
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[15 Jun 2008|09:04pm] |
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I'm getting so bored with New York. I'm really just sick of everything. I'm sick of late nights and early morning hangovers for nights where I did nothing but spend too much money. I'm sick of scouring Craigslist for hours a day to get responses to about ten percent of my emails for work. I'm sick of...everything.
This summer I really want to focus on my career. I mean, I'm not sure I can do a whole lot better than I have been. Things haven't been great, I just feel sort of stuck. I just feel like I'm tired of going out and putting so much effort into things that aren't the least bit productive. I think this summer I want to skip the parties and build my portfolio instead. I want to take a few trips to VA to shoot with Amber and Jay. I want to make some real progress.
It seems like I might be making some real headway with this web site. I'm more than a little nervous about things working out and Jay being someone I can do things with long term, but I have to put my all into things, otherwise I'll always wonder what could have been. It seems like he's the kind of partner I need, though. I throw out an idea, he sends things I need to move forward with them. I guess we'll see.
Since Amber will be in town soon, I'm considering riding back to VA with her next Wednesday. If I went to see Jay after visiting her, I would end up missing 16 Volt, but I'm considering it. I hate to flake out on things, but I just need a break. I'd like to hang out with Amber, barbecue, shoot, splash around in the kiddy pool. From there I can visit Jay and maybe shoot and/or order some toys for the site and definitely have a lot of sex.
It's strange, when I think about what would feel like a vacation, it's just a real life. I want to go somewhere and get more work, make business plans, do some things during the day.... I need a break from staying in bed all day and sometimes getting drunk and going to shows at night. I guess I want the vacation feeling of the world slowing down, only I need to take action to make that happen, to catch up....
I don't know what's going on right now. I've gotta talk to some people and make some plans. I'm just feeling like it's now or never. The party's over, but real life hasn't started and I can only live in the in-between for so long.
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[11 Jun 2008|11:06pm] |
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I'm absolutely ridiculous. Disregard that last post, because I'm crazy. I usually feel good about the fact that I'm not generally very dramatic at all, but maybe if I could handle more real-life conversation and confrontation, I would save myself a lot of quiet freak-outs.
So I may really be able to get a web site going soon. This guy I've been talking to has been shooting for a while, but he's been having trouble really getting things going. He wanted me to contact girls for him, and I was a little apprehensive. I didn't know what he was working on, if I wanted to associate my name with it or when I'd start benefiting. When he had no concept, I suggested one that we'd do together, so hopefully we can get things going soon and keep them going once he moves.
Starting this site means getting some new toys, which always makes me happy. I'm thinking the Jackhammer Jesus, the Share dildo and a gag/head harness will be necessary for starters. I really do have plans for scenes with these things, too. I'm not just going to go on a toy shopping spree at someone else's expense.
I also seem to have gotten a role in a legitimate indie horror film. It sounds interesting, and I got the script tonight. The pay isn't bad, transportation is covered and I'll be fed. The wardrobe will be awesome, too. I'm really excited, so hopefully everything will work out.
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[09 Jun 2008|11:17pm] |
I give up.
This isn't a virtual suicide note, just me being frustrated.
Sometimes it's really hard not to get discouraged.
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[08 Jun 2008|03:36pm] |
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I'm trying not to get too excited since nothing has really happened yet, but it seems I may now have a business partner in my porn plans. He seems to have nearly all the skills I lack, plus I really love fucking him so it could work out well. We still have to figure out what we're doing in terms of location, but I'll see him soon and we'll talk things through.
I guess we both spent a lot of time talking about the ideas we've had, hoping the other would ask to be a part of them. I think we're so similar in our views of our own progress and ideas that we've each just felt like the other wasn't interested or taking us seriously. At some point I explained that he was talking about all these plans and I didn't think he wanted to work on my projects, and he seemed to think I was belittling him. Eventually, though, I just told him what I needed, a partner in every aspect, and he said he'd love to be that guy.
I guess now I've got to sit and talk about the scary part. I used to be totally terrified of relationships, but now I'm just terrified of talking about them. For me, romance is is pretty intertwined with my business plans, because I'd really just like to build my life around having sex, and having a partner that shares my bed, my money and my career seems like a relationship to me. It's really hard to date around that anyway, but some real ground rules need to be set. It could get terribly messy if things aren't explicitly discussed before they get going, though, especially since relocation may be involved.
I guess now it's time to make some plans. I need to solidify some concepts and figure out what's happening in terms of who needing to be where when and why. From there, well, I guess I just go. That seems to be how things work for me lately, huh? I guess I just have to hope that this guy and I can each provide the things that keep the other grounded. We'll see, we'll see....
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[20 May 2008|09:08pm] |
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I'm really hoping to find some work this week. I got my vegan food I ordered, and I treated myself to a magic wand since a friend dropped the ball on the toy auction we were supposed to split. I don't know if it's the time of year or what, but my sex drive is back to being crazy. I like that, though. Really, part of the reason I went to Four Winds was that my sex drive sort of died, and that scared me. I guess that normally comes and goes with depression, and maybe viewing sex drive as life force isn't totally healthy. I'm really glad to be feeling more like myself again.
Now I need to work on healthy attraction. The only people who really interest me right now are jerks, and I should probably avoid them both. The attraction may be more sexual than emotional with the newer jerk, but I'm not sure. I have a lot of trouble figuring out the difference. Whatever the case, it would be nice if I could be more attracted to the sweet and caring people in my life.
Oh, summer.... I really want to make some real progress in my life now that it's warming up. I'm just trying to figure out the first steps. The only ideas I have involve people I don't want to depend on. I keep hoping things will fall into place, but I'm trying to make sure I understand when I need to stop waiting and do some work myself.
Sometimes I wonder if living is like eating. Our impulses draw us to things that provide what we need in life. Cravings lead us to what we really should have in some form or another. I know I need to learn to understand my feelings and stop trying to make everything logical, but I don't know if I'm healthy enough to trust my instincts. I haven't been able to think myself out of the situation I've been in, so maybe it's worth a shot.
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[16 May 2008|04:02pm] |
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I'm really frustrated. I've been back and forth in my feelings about this gig. They're looking for people to be a part of some tantra performance group, and when I checked out the organization's web site, it looked amazing. I really feel like the whole experience could offer a chance for personal growth as well as a chance to make money. I called to reschedule my audition instead of just blowing it off, and I managed to get the monologue in advance. Awesome, right? Nope. It's a belly dancing scene. I mean, it should just be some basic hip shaking, but I've got no rhythm whatsoever, and I should be dancing and casually shaking my hips through the whole six-page monologue. Ugh. I'm trying not to give up and decide it's over, but it's really tough. I can't help but feel a little discouraged.
At least I've got some things coming in the mail to look forward to. I'm still not certain getting a Green Dot card was such a great idea, but I didn't have much choice. It's way too easy to spend money I shouldn't on things I don't need, but it makes it a whole lot easier to take care of the important things like paying my phone bill and getting groceries. Sure, I didn't need a bunch of eyeliner, vegan scallops and vegan sour gummy vitamins, but it's nice to have something to look forward to...so I might buy a bunch of sex toys from Ebay, too. I really might be out of control.
Even with my semi-irresponsible spending, I've still managed to set aside money to go out this weekend and to pay rent. My phone bill is paid, and I'm still looking hard for work. There are some people that told me they wanted to shoot at the end of the month, so hopefully that'll pan out. All in all, I guess I'm not doing too badly.
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[12 May 2008|01:51pm] |
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So despite this terribly worrisome sore throat, I feel like I should talk about the good things that happened this weekend. There was a lot more to it than semi-consensual sex, and I had a lot of fun.
Friday I had to head out pretty early, around 9:45. I had to walk to the bank and cash a couple checks so that I could even go anywhere. From there, I walked to the train station and took the 10:30 down to the City. The train got held up for a little while, then I had to stop at Rite Aid, but I got into Brooklyn around 1:15.
I met up with Eric, and we grabbed falafels before heading back to his place. After we hung out for a bit, we still had a few hours before the first showing of Poultrygeist, and he asked if I wanted to go bowling. Somehow I just never realized that there was anyplace to bowl in the City, but I thought it sounded like fun. The place we went to was pretty awesome. It was more like a bar with lanes. The whole place was 21+. I'm terrible at bowling, but I did a little better than usual. I even got a strike or two.
After bowling, it was too late to catch the 7:30 movie, so we decided to grab food. There's a great Thai place in Williamsburg called Sea that's super-cheap. Well, it's not like 3-dollar meal cheap, but we both had big meals, and the bill was less than 20 bucks. I was shocked, because it's ridiculously hip and trendy looking. I guess it's supposed to be sort of ironic or kitschy or something with the decor, and they blast techno. When we got there, we had to take a number and wait for a table. I totally forgot he'd said it was cheap. The food was delicious, too.
After dinner, we headed off to the theater. It was still early when we got into Manhattan, so we grabbed a drink at the Beauty Bar first. I really do need to go for the ten-dollar manicure and drink deal sometime. From there, we headed off to Village East.
The theater was packed. There wasn't enough room for everyone in the lobby, and the crowd spilled out on to the street. While we waited, I ran into a guy I'd hooked up with at a Troma party a while back, maybe two years ago. He worked for Troma, and he was a nice guy, but I got the feeling he had a girlfriend. Friday he was super-friendly, though, and asked for my number saying he wanted to hang out sometime. He looked pretty spiffy, but he still had some of the dorky charm that I thought was so cute before. He didn't ask me if I wanted to make out by the dumpster this time, though.
When we got inside, I ran into some people I knew, Merry,--yup, I'm pretty sure it's spelled that way--the convention table folks, Maria.... It was hard, because I've got this terrible dirty secret complex, and I guess I do a lot of things alone, so it's hard for me to properly do introductions and whatnot.
When we got into the movie, I was surprised to run into Zac. He hated the rough cut, so I didn't expect him to bother to pay to see the finished version. I got a few copies of Frankensluts, so that was pretty awesome. I promised to try my best to get one to Lloyd, but I never make any promises about what I can do during a night where I'm drinking.
The movie was actually pretty good. It wasn't my favorite, but I liked it. After a little discussion and some direction-getting, Eric and I split a cab to Fontana's with Merry. The party was pretty awful. The place was packed with yuppies, and we didn't stay long. I did manage to get a DVD to Lloyd and chat with a few people...including Josh, who played Denny in the movie and seemed totally shocked that the movie wasn't a serious dramatic satire. When I went out for a cigarette, though, I ran into Purple Pam who was headed in the same direction I was, so I decided to hop on the train so I'd have someone to ride with.
I called Jen, and I was happy to find that she was up. She'd said I could crash, but she sort of flaked on plans to hang out, so I was really nervous that she wasn't going to be up when I needed to get there. I got directions, said goodbye to Eric and headed out.
Somehow I managed to get off at the wrong stop. Well, there were two stops on two trains that happened to be very different parts of the same street. When I asked the person at the window for directions, some big guy that had gotten off the train asked if I needed help. I told him I didn't, but when I called Jen for directions, I realized I did. The guy said he could drive me to where I needed to go, and after some hesitation, I gave Jen the model and plate number of his car and rode over. He turned out to be a nice guy. He said he had two daughters, and he just hoped someone would help them out if they were in the same situation.
So I made it to Jen's safe and sound. We hung out and talked about boys, drugs and Degrassi. Eventually it got pretty late, though, and I went to sleep so I could get two hours before I headed to the bus station. I got directions before hitting bed time, which I would forget soon after--right then left, or left then right?--but I made a good guess in the morning and got to the train on time without waking Jen.
The bus ride to PA was pretty uneventful, and I was too tired to even worry about shooting with strangers in the middle of nowhere. There turned out to be nothing to worry about, though. They were this cute, nice older British couple. We did four short scenes, and I was fed well. I just made it to the bus (and the bathroom on it), but I left satisfied. I was full, and I'd made a good amount of money for peeing my pants. Actually, they weren't even my pants, so it was a pretty great deal.
Yeah, this past weekend was pretty eventful.
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[04 May 2008|07:13pm] |
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So Wednesday's Troma party was a lot of fun. It almost made up for my awful birthday. I managed to get into two DVD intros, and I have a speaking role in one. I met some fun folks, got topless on the street for some website and was asked if I knew anyone who would fuck for blow. Those were the words the guy used. I was sort of horrified for a while, but I guess it would have been shitty to be smooth talked into hanging out and coerced into something awful. The night was good, though.
This week should be interesting. I'm trying to get my life together and not rely on the convenience of having someone to help me with the little things like charging my phone bill (for cash) and rides to the store. Really, I just can't handle being treated like shit and feeding into someone's passive-aggression and control issues. It might be for the best, though. I need to stand on my own two feet.
Tomorrow is going to be a pain in the ass. Before 11am, I need to walk to Riverside bank to cash a check, walk to Rite Aid for a Prepaid Visa, come home and order my groceries online, then make sure to be home between three and five when they get here. I love being able to get my groceries online, and I haven't done that since I lived with John. The extra cost for the card and the delivery is a lot considering how little I'm spending on groceries.
So for about twenty-four hours I'm going to have no money, not a dime...except for the filthy five-dollar bill a friend gave me a while ago and told me only to spend when I was absolutely desperate haha. I'm going to do some art modeling on Tuesday and Thursday, though, then Saturday I have a gig in PA...which absolutely has to work out, or I'll be completely fucked. As long as things go as planned, though, I'm going to be totally back on track by Saturday night, then I might even order a bunch of interesting vegan food stuff from a web site.
I really hope this is the last time I'll be this close to the edge, at least for a long time.
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[23 Apr 2008|12:58am] |
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No, I'm not dead. I'd just been using my mother's computer for a while...every once in a while. She's nuts, she's miserable and she's terribly controlling and passive-aggressive. Long story short, I eventually couldn't take it. I just got together the money to buy myself a laptop, though, so I'm back on line!
Not much else has been going on. A little work, a little play. Not as much of either as I'd like, though. It's getting warm and I'm feeling more motivated and more social, but I just can't seem to get plans made. I don't know what's going on, but things feel strange. I guess maybe it's just the spring thaw. Last year I was with John around now, so the weather was pretty much irrelevant and my social life was practically non-existent. I feel like things are more difficult than usual, though.
Maybe I just need to wait for a wave. It seems like a lot of my warm weather craziness tends to come with a new friend or getting close to someone I've known. I feel like I'm trying hard to get things going, but no one's interested or able. Some people are just...I don't even know. I'm getting antsy, though.
My birthday is coming up, and I don't know that I'm doing anything. My birthday is on Monday and I'm doing the tromette thing at a Troma press party on Wednesday, so maybe I'll go to that Underworld party afterwards. The landlord here suggested dinner or something and said he was going to make plans with my mother. I think she's angry at me, though. I hadn't seen her in two or three days until I ran into her in the hall today, and she barely said "hi." I'm not sure what to make of that, because she's usually pretty vocal about being mad. All I can even guess is that she overheard something I'd said about her to someone or something got back to her. I've started discussing her issues with people, which used to worry me because I feared I would sound like a brat. It's not me, though, it's her. I just wonder if she heard something that really got to her. It's bizarre that she would avoid me. I'm not really complaining, though. I just hope I won't need anything from her any time soon...or ever again for that matter.
I just hope I can keep my energy up long enough to get on board with the pick up in general activity that seems to happen in the warmer part of the year. I don't want to get discouraged before I even get a chance to do something with this energy.
And to end on a totally positive note, go get some Temptation peach cobbler flavored soy ice cream. It's amazing.
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[31 Jan 2008|11:30am] |
So I was talking to someone about the City a few days ago, and he told me he didn't like it. This sort of shocked me. He'd said this before, but I still couldn't imagine. I gave it some thought, though, and I realized I don't really like it either. I like a lot of place in the City and how easy it is to get around. I really appreciate the great public transportation, but I hate public transportation, at least taking it. I just can't drive. I used to think I liked the crowds and the anonymity, but it really just contributes to my depersonalization. It's cold in more ways than one, and it's probably just plain unhealthy for me.
So I want to move to Southern California. Yeah, there's the whole driving issue, but I'll figure that out. I just need a driver. Really, I hate walking and taking buses and subways. I hate dealing with people when I'm not at my destination. I hate spending time out in the open. I'm really sort of agoraphobic. I just want to be in a safe, contained, controlled environment between my home and wherever I'm going.
I also hate the cold. Winter is miserable for me, especially since I don't drive. I hate being cold. I also love to garden, and I can't do it all year 'round in NY...and probably not at all in the City. And I want avocado trees in my yard! I want a yard in general, one of my own.
I guess I need to get my shit together. I've got a great idea for a website, possibly some steady work for the moment and maybe some housing assistance coming for the for a bit. There's a site offering to make girls their own pay sites in exchange for a few photo sets a year, so I need to jump on that. Really, it seems like I might have some pretty good opportunities available right now, so I have to hurry up and take advantage, because otherwise I could miss my chance to really get my life moving.
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[24 Jan 2008|04:39pm] |
It's so nice to finally be out and about again. I've had some work, which means going out to get there. It also means having a reason to leave the house otherwise. I can go buy things, treat myself to food and even go out to events.
I think a lot of people would be shocked to know how terrifying it is for me to go out and do things. Really, leaving the house, getting places, interacting with people...the thought of these things makes me really nervous. I can have fun once it all gets started, but I get seriously panicked about a lot of things. I also get pretty depressed when I'm not doing anything, so I have to push myself pretty hard.
Since I've been making some decent money with this peeing business,--did I mention that here?--I was able to go out on Tuesday. I was partially reimbursed, but I knew with drinks and random other expenses that come with hanging out in the City, I'd have to have some money.
By the time the day came, I almost decided not to go. I'd mentioned the possibility of making it to Bella, but since we hadn't made a solid plan, I considered just telling her I couldn't be there. I didn't want to see Joanna Angel, and since she and Bella were supposed to be signing together, I thought she'd be hard to avoid. I also got worried about old vampire business. The event was a birthday celebration for Father Vincent, and I wasn't sure what section of the scene his birthday celebration might draw, so I sat and went through his MySpace friends. I was also a little nervous about social business with someone I'm close to and intimate with and his friends with whom he's also intimate and maybe some other people I have been or want to be int--ok, sleep with. I mean, it's probably not a big deal at all, but I've got this terrible dirty secret complex that makes this sort of thing terribly uncomfortable.
None of that was an issue, though. Joanna didn't show up, unless I missed her. The guy I sort of see had something else to do, but since Bella hadn't even gotten to Otto's when I arrived, we both snuck out of our events for a brief rendezvous at his place. This meant I missed the bands, but I was back in time to perform. I didn't have any vampire issues...except that one kept begging for my number. I even ran into a vampire from the house/clan/whatever with which I'd had serious issues, and there was no problem at all. He's someone I didn't even recognize, but he remember hanging out one night and just wanted to say hello. We chatted for a bit, and was glad to have had that conversation.
So in order to work off my free admission and train fare, I did a little show with Bella. We weren't really sure what to do since we'd discussed this so last-minute, but we figured something out.
( Photos )
After the performance, I did some chatting, made some contacts.... I was really excited about talking to Bob Coulter. He told me he'd really like to work with me, and that makes me pretty happy. His work is amazing. If I'd had a place to crash, I'd have done a shoot with him and Bella the next day, but my post-party plans fell through.
After being pet and scratched by hot girls like a house cat, I had a long conversation with some vegan vampires. I hate to start out by referring to them that way, because they're really interesting, intelligent, cool people, but I just can't get over the novelty of that concept. Their work is pretty amazing, though, and I hope to get to spend some more time with them in the near future.
At the end of the night, I said some goodbyes and wished Vincent a happy birthday. Luckily, things had stayed happening until 4:30. It's awful when you've got nowhere to go until 6am and everyone leaves the bar/club at like 2. Once it was time to leave Otto's, I decided to go the Yaffa Cafe. They're open 24 hours, and though I think their vegetarian selection may have gotten smaller, they weren't too far away, and I could have more than fries or a bagel. From there, I headed back to the train station, took a brief nap and hopped on the 6:41am train home.
Oh, and you know what's really amazing? My drinking! I had two Sparks on the train, maybe even just one and three quarters. I took a couple trains and did some walking to get to Otto's. When I get there, I got a tasty frozen drink and started feeling a little nauseous. I considered canceling my booty call thang, or maybe just asking him to give me spaghetti with some of his amazing sauce instead of sex, but I thought that might be a little rude. The sex actually made me feel better, though, and I headed back out. Besides about five sips of other people's drinks throughout the night, that's all I had! I had the Sparks between 7pm and 8:30, then the frozen drink around 9:15. I had sex around 11, then I got back to the party around 12:20. Maybe this is totally boring to everyone else, but to someone who's socially retarded and tends to be terribly anxious, having a night go this well with so little alcohol seems absolutely crazy, especially since I went down alone. Yup, I'm pretty proud.
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[09 Jan 2008|11:16am] |
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Ugh. Today I can't help but miss John a little bit, at least in some ways. I'm never sure I even knew who he really was, but the little things.... I was looking at gigs on CL this morning, and one led me to this site: http://www.sexygpsshoes.com/. I don't think I know anyone who shares my love of big shoes, technology and "Get Smart" like he did. Oh, the shoe phone.... I can't stop myself from imagining some ridiculous updated series featuring us as 86 and 99 and me in those shoes. God, I'm a dork.
Oh, and if you happen to have 200 bucks to spare, feel free to buy me this: http://www.timelife.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10001&storeId=1001&langId=-1&productId=211683
Actually, with that money you should probably get me a locksmith so I can get into the apartment where most of my belongings are, but if that's too much of a hassle, the DVD's would be my second choice.
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[08 Jan 2008|09:58pm] |
Lately I've been trying to figure out exactly what it is I need to fix in myself. I've realized that a big part of my romantic issues come from the fact that I've got a fear of both commitment and abandonment. Oh, and being lied to is another huge fear. If that weren't bad enough, I'm terribly attracted to guilt and shame, as well as sociopathy. I guess my tendency to feel like a parasite causes me to go for people who are either taken, guarded or empty enough that they've got nothing I can take. It's completely subconscious, too. Ugh.
Anyway, I'm trying to get my life all figured out. A great guy I sorta see sometimes seems to be interested in a relationship again. I don't know if I should really put too much thought into things since it seems like we have this conversation a lot and it never really leads to anything. My other issue is that he's interested in something monogamous (besides the occasional threesome), and I guess I'm always afraid to put all my eggs in one basket. Besides that, I'm sort of seeing someone else, and to end things with him for a relationship with someone else would feel sort of wrong.
I've also been giving escorting to couples some more thought. No, it's not that I've hit rock bottom...no harder than usual, anyway. I'm just still toying with the idea. As with most situations in my life, I'm very aware of what I think and not so aware of how I feel. I guess I'm never really sure what I'm feeling and why...which I suppose is a big part of what's wrong with all areas of my life. Ha. The point is, though, I think it might be a lot of fun, sharing that experience with people who care about eachother. It's not a situation where someone's sneaking around and then washes their hands of you. It's something special and meaningful.
On a similar note, a couple who's been interested in playing for a while offered to let me stay with them in Queens. I was hoping someone would take me in in the City so I could take this peep show job, and they offered. I was asking about how close the train was, and they even offered to let me use their car. I don't drive, but it was pretty nice to offer. I just worry that things won't work out because of the way I'll be living. If I worked at a peep show regularly and did more shooting (as I would since I could take awesome TFP gigs) and hung out with all the people I know in the City, I wouldn't be at the house a lot, and I might keep hours that wouldn't match up with theirs. It would be nice if it didn't matter, but I'm worried that not spending time with them would end up causing some issues. Oh well, maybe I just need to head back to Craigslist.
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[03 Jan 2008|09:27pm] |
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So today I'm feeling a bit more grounded than I have been. I feel like I've just been all over lately. Well, everywhere but up. Ha. I want to say, "just shaking the glass," but I'm not sure I've even explained that analogy to anyone. I'm feeling a little more stable, though, and not quite so miserable and dysfunctional.
I'm still not sure what to do to make progress, though. Celibacy is still very possible, though there are a couple people in my life to whom I'm nervous about explaining my difficulties with sober intimacy. Both are really great, and I don't want to give the impression that things that have happened between us are less meaningful to me than they seemed to be, but I'm sure they'd want to take a time-out knowing that something's not quite right...though maybe I've got some things all backwards in my head.
I'm still trying to figure out what makes me so drawn to jerks. The sweet, creative, honest, open, considerate, caring and sensitive guys in my life right now just don't seem to hold my interest like the assholes. I keep hoping to realize that something I thought was chemistry was something else entirely, and I'm really not as much of a mess as I thought. The one explanation I can think of now is this crazy mindfuck metaphor that only half covers my interest in guilt and shame, things that ultimately lead to dishonesty. Maybe it's as simple as that, needing to push into some deep, secret part of a person that only exists when they feel the need to hide things...which is maybe connected to the intimacy issue? Ugh. I don't know.
Now, if I choose to try and push forward with something that seems like it could develop into a healthy relationship, is the responsible thing to do to tell a person that this is a test, that they're probably too good a person for things to work out? Should I let them know that I may very well be swept off my feet by some emotionally reckless asshole with sex-offender charm, but we'll always be friends and I'll try to keep them updated on my whereabouts when I end up locked in an attic somewhere?
I just feel like I don't understand myself well enough to be honest with anyone who deserves honesty. Someone told me he was worried he wasn't mean and nasty enough for me a while ago. I laughed, but I never told him that's the real reason I never wanted to commit to anything more serious. It's not even mean and nasty so much as...internally conflicted and maybe likely to be seriously dangerous. In the end, I suppose they usually turn out to be essentially the same thing, though.
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[02 Jan 2008|10:55pm] |
So someone said that the being crazy is doing the same thing and expecting different results...right? I'm pretty sure I just read that or heard it from someone in conversation. Maybe the reality, though, is that craziness is expecting anything from life. Craziness is believing anything can really be repeated. Nothing is ever really the same. The situation changes, people change, you change.... If every time something goes wrong you decide that you can't do it again, your life will shrink to nothing, especially if you know what you want in life. Your life shouldn't be based on what you need to avoid.
I've had a million things go horribly wrong in my life, and people are always suggesting that I do things more conventionally. It's not like I've never tried that. People just tend to blame problems in the lives of others on whatever is different from their own lives. Remember when I tried a conventional relationship? Kevin? Yeah, that was awesome. Remember retail? Remember how Jason at Eckerd insisted I was high all the time? I really am going in to laugh about how he lost all his hair. I think Waldenbooks decided not to keep me after the season when I called in stuck-in-Jersey. Remember college? I don't hahaha.
My point is that we can't even say where exactly the problems were in the things that haven't worked out. If I have a shitty day, I could blame it on where I went, who I hung out with or even the fact that I got out of bed. I pride myself in my ability to approach a lot of things that I want as if I've never had things go wrong. I realize that I'll never get what I want if I don't. All that cause and effect business doesn't apply to reality, because there are too many factors to consider.
Everything is random. There is no predicting anything, there are no indicators. You just do, or you don't. Nothing is ever safe....so I really need to learn to stop feeling like the TV is a crystal ball. I need to leave the past in the past and do something, anything to make a change, because I know things are shitty now.
Thanks, Kim. I don't know where I'd be without your reality checks. I'm going to save all the money I can for train tickets, not Ask Zandar and a magic 8-ball.
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[02 Jan 2008|12:49pm] |
It's the beginning of a new year, and I need to tie up some loose ends. I emailed John about my CD's again, and he claims he'll send them as soon as he can. I don't know if I believe it, but it would be nice. As much as I sort of feared losing that last connection to him, I think I'd rather just have my CD's now. The fact that he hasn't sent them back is just going to bug me no matter what else happens...that and a part of me can't help but believe that he and Christina are engaged and having a baby and he's just been too lazy to send my shit back. Why? I have a terrible TV problem.
Remember when I decided I needed to go get all the "My So-Called Life" DVD's because I thought the solutions to all of my problems were in there somewhere? Remember when I decided I needed to see the whole "Degrassi" series from the beginning because that held all the answers. Actually, I never got all those DVD's, so maybe it's true. Right now, though, I'm stuck on Scott Baio. The "Rock of Love" reunion special made me sort of hopeful, but the end of "Scott Baio is 45 & Single" put a damper on my satisfaction. Now that I keep seeing the commercials for "Scott Baio is 46 & Pregnant," I can't help but feel like...I don't even know. The new seasons of both shows should be interesting, though I'm questioning whether watching is healthy at all.
Yes, I know this is ridiculous. I don't really think any of these shows really have any connection to my life. I think I just have a problem coming to terms with the fact that there are things that are certain things that I can't know, understand, predict or control. I've always had issues with that, little things that I secretly believed would predict the outcome of other things. I don't bank on these things, and I'm not shocked when I'm wrong, but I guess the only way I can stop myself from obsessing over certain things is to connect them to other things, that either have a certain outcome or an ending. That way I can totally put certain thoughts to bed...until the next season. Ha.
Oh, and I should finally be getting my cross pictures back soon. I don't know if anyone else remembers, but a few months back, I did a nude shoot on a cross in someone's living room haha. Not only did I get paid, but I was promised photos. I got one, but I guess in the process of moving--hence the space for a big cross in the living room--the photographer fell behind in getting the photos developed and whatnot. I emailed him a week or so, and I got an email yesterday apologizing and promising photos, digital or prints, will be sent by the end of the week. I can't wait, because I was pretty excited about these images from the beginning. I'd love to have prints, but being that the scanner here isn't hooked up to the computer with internet access, digital photos might be preferable. Maybe if I'm lucky, I can get some of each.
Oh, and I stopped Wellbutrin cold turkey. I know it sounds like a bad idea, but I don't think could get much worse. The hot flashes and chills suck, and my head hurts a little, but I think my mood is better already. It could just be my excitement about realizing that the medication was a big part of the reason I was feeling so awful. Hopefully I can keep my shit together long enough to get to a doctor and find a combination of medications that works for me. It would be so nice to feel consistently hopeful and functional for a while.
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[31 Dec 2007|08:00pm] |
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So it just dawned on me that Wellbutrin does not agree with me at all. I've been miserable, and this isn't the best time to be depressed. I just keep thinking about this past year and feeling awful about it, what it seems to say about life in general. Thinking of the new year is even worse. I have no desire to start another year. I was feeling better than this when I went to Four Winds. I was actually feeling a lot better than this when I left there, but as soon as I got to Phelps, the doctor changed all of my medications.
I guess not everything is medication-related. 2007 has been a rough year. I went through a lot, things I don't even want to think about, things I can't explain and things I don't want to. It seems to be my only motivation to move forward right now, running from the past or at least fixing things that were wrong. Even that's not enough all the time, but even so.... Have you ever tried running backwards? It doesn't work very well.
The feeling I've been dying to get again is the one I got when I went under before ECT, that moment just before I went out. There's this one moment. My eyelids got heavy, and I was warm. For some reason that's big, being warm. There's this feeling of comfort I can't describe, and that's really all I can say I want right now. I would go to bed and curl up under the covers. That's as close as I can get. I'm budgeting my sleep, though. I can't start now, or I won't make it through the night.
I really need to do something, fix things somehow. Things just aren't right. I really shouldn't complain now, though. At least my house didn't burn down. Poor James....
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